It's been months since I've blogged, 6 months to be exact.  I've even contemplated whether I wanted to come back to this blog.  Somehow, with life being as it is, it seems petty, inconsequential.  The last six month have been downright shitty.  In six months I've stared death in the eyes as Lucca seized, my husband lost his job, I moved out as my marriage fell apart and my best friend was diagnosed with brain cancer.  It's been full of pain, sorrow, grief, self-doubt, numbness, anger, self-destruction and fear.  It's effected my family, my friendships, my motherhood, my creativity and my career.  And although some days I wasn't able to see life's gifts as they were presented, I'm starting to pull the cobwebs away and see light.  I've realized that within the darkness, small treasures lie waiting to be discovered.  

Lucca crushed the monkey bars.  He now can tie his shoes all on his own.  He loves walking on opposite sides of the street, proving his independence.  He learned how to read and write and can chop parsley like a boss.  I got the directors choice in a gallery show.  My best friend and I can still laugh at our inappropriate jokes and dish on life.  Through her illness, my friendships have a new richness as we navigate this journey together.  And yesterday I shot six rolls of film, which was the first day inspiration has found me since November.  These small gifts are lifting my spirit.


So, is this blog petty, inconsequential?  Only if I don't show up authentically.  I've hesitated blogging, because what I had to write wasn't happy or pretty.  But, if I'm not willing to be vulnerable and honest about my life, how can I ever ask that of others?  At the end of the day, this is life.  My life.


Staring death in the eyes


On Tuesday afternoon my love gave me the biggest scare of his/my life.  On the way home from the store, he had a Febrile Seizure.  I'm writing this for you moms and dads out there, not to scare you, but to inform you.  I didn't know anything about seizures, and although this is scary shit, information can be comforting.


Luccas temperature spiked too quickly, which is what causes Febrile Seizures.  I looked back at him in the car, and his arms and legs were flailing.  I knew instantly what was going on.  I pulled over, called 911, and frantically tried to do something.  I tried talking calmly, begging him to look at me, I tried yelling and demanding he not die and look at me, I tried pleading with someone larger than me.  Nothing worked.  His head was arched back, his eyes either rolled back in his head or staring freakishly at something other than me.  It almost seemed like his eyes were trying so hard to figure out what was going on, trying to find a home.  They looked scared.  He was frothing at the mouth, his jaw clenched, his breathing blocked and his lips turned blue.  Standing there in the back of the car, I didn't know whether to move him, let him be or administer CPR (which I don't know).  I wanted to get out of the car and stand in the middle of the street and scream for help.  But I was helpless.  I stood there, resolved in the fact that my child was either dying, or would live brain dead for the rest of his life.  I was broken, completely broken.  When his seizure ended, he went limp.  He was in a comatose state, I couldn't wake him, couldn't get him to respond.  That's when I really thought he had died.  The EMT's arrived and I collapsed on the sidewalk.  Everything came out, in a visceral way.  I sobbed like I've never sobbed.  I grieved every time I'd ever been on Facebook rather than seeing him, I grieved my mistakes, I grieved spending too much time at the grocery store that day, when I should have been at home snuggling my boy.  I grieved his spunkiness, his stubbornness, his snuggles.  I grieved him.


Once at the hospital things stabilized and that's when I began my wealth of knowledge about seizures.  I hope no one has to witness a seizure, ever!  They are crazy, scary and violent.  But, as I've learned, they are livable.  Luccas specifically was due to his temp raising too fast, which is common in kids 6 months-6 years.  It has nothing to do with how high the temp is, just how quickly it raises.  He is now at an increased risk of reoccurrence (30%), so needless to say I'm now that annoying, medicating mom.  Here's what I know now and what I want you to know.  If someone seizes, put them on their side, away from anything that can harm them and time it.  Do not put anything into their mouth to stop them from biting off their tongue, they could bite that object off and choke on it.  Afterwards, there is a period where they pass out.  Poor things have just used up all their juice.  Imagine crossfit times 100 while doing 100 SAT tests in three minutes.  There is nothing you can do to prevent a seizure, nor anything you can do while it's happening.  We've been advised to call 911 as soon as it happens, and if it lasts less than 5 minutes, have his stats checked and then he's clear to stay home.  If it lasts longer than 5 minutes, it's an auto transport.  Most people clear themselves in and out of the seizure just fine.  It's really the people who witness it (read me) who need meds.


Here's a link to more info:


Outside of the clinical stuff, I can say it was the worst day of my entire life.  I look at my little guy in a whole new way.  I thank the universe for sending him to me, and for him trusting in me to be his mom.  I've been his mom for 5 years, but three days ago, that definition changed.  I took him for granted, the time I had, the gifts he gave me.  I hope it doesn't take another look into deaths eyes to humble myself again.


Lucca, you are, and always have been, my heart, my compass, my adventurer, my breath, my laughter, my champion, my failures, my greatness and my teacher.


I love you, just as you are.  Thank you for staying with me on this journey.



ps.  please don't do that again, but if you do, we'll politely say NO THANK YOU!